The post I don't want to write

Not a happy post. Feel free to skip it.

It looks like my kitty is gone for good. He's been officially missing for more than three weeks now, but it didn't really hit me until after Dad left. I've been completely gutted for the last week or more, and even now am in tears. In the seemingly mostly superficial world of the internet, I'm still undecided as to whether I should post this. The whole saga with Shadow, from relocating him and the associated expense and hassle, to him going missing early and being caught, kept inside for a month to get used to his new home, and then doing a runner again has been one of the hardest things to deal with about this trip. It's caused me to question my decisions, and I'm sad and angry. Of course there's no one to be angry at, everyone involved, including me, made the best decisions at the time based on the situation, and the available info and advice. So I'm left with this thing that's colouring everything. I feel like I don't want to be enjoying this trip any more. And I feel like a fraud whenever someone asks me how I am and I give a stock standard response. But what are the options? If I put this out there I feel like I'm inviting sympathy or advice, and I'm not sure I really want either. I just want to wallow. I'm sure there's lots of theory about grief, but I don't really want to hear it. Maybe at some point I will. I had Tango for 20 years, and I only got Shadow three years ago this month. It's not fair. My only hope is that he'll turn up at home, but that feels pretty slim, and certainly not one to hold on to. So much for hope and endurance.

Ok, so I'm just going to post this. Please don't feel you need to respond. I won't take a lack of comment as a lack of care.